You Are a Good Mom
As a fairly new mom, I struggle so often with feeling like a failure. There are so many days when being a mom looks nothing like I had imagined it would, or should, and it makes me feel like a terrible mother. (The fact that I got married, became mother to a teenager first, and then gave birth to a 4 weeks pre-term baby, all in the span of 12 months doesn't help, it just gives my mind more things to tell me I'm failing at! ) I know I am not alone in this struggle, but it can feel lonely. So lonely. You see, we tend to hide our failures, put our best front on, and do our best to appear on the outside like we have it all together. We don't. Hardly ever. Maybe really never. In fact, I would venture to guess that even the most seemingly put together mom you've ever met still feels like a failure far more days than she'd care to ever let on.
The other day I found out a friend, who is a brand new mama, is struggling with fears and doubts about her ability to be a good mother to her new baby girl. She's struggling with feeling like a failure. I found myself carrying on a dialog in my head of what I would tell her should I have the opportunity. I found myself thinking about what it really means to be a good mom, and it turns out, it looks a lot different than we tend to think.
So what does a good mom look like? Is she the mom who always has her kids dressed in clean, cute, perfectly coordinated outfits? Or maybe she's the mom who never lets her kids eat junk food, and instead feeds them a strictly organic diet of fresh, home made, never processed food? Surely she's the mom who is, herself, always perfectly dressed, not a hair out of place, make-up on, full of energy, and never cross with her kids, right?
Or maybe, just maybe, she isn't any of those moms. Maybe she's the mom who has coffee stains and peanut butter smears across her wrinkled, second day top. Maybe she's the mom with three kids in tow, none of who's outfits match, because the three year old HAD to dress herself, the toddler spilled his juice on the cute, matched-his-pants shirt he was wearing just minutes before they rushed out the door, and the baby isn't wearing socks because they somehow vanished in the car on the way to the store.
Don't get me wrong here. There's nothing wrong with wishing to be more like the first set of moms than the second. But none of that is what determines the good or bad of how we're doing as mamas.
You see, being a good mom has little to nothing to do with the way we appear on the outside. It has far more to do with our hearts. What no one can see from the outside. Being a great mom is about putting your kids' needs above your wants. Being a great mom is about spending time fully engaged with your little ones. Being a great mom is about loving, even when you're tired, even when they're on your last nerve. Sure, we all make mistakes, we're human, but mistakes aren't what makes anyone a "bad mom". Mistakes only make us human, especially if we learn from them, move on, and don't let the mistakes we make determine our worth as mothers. We all have days when we're far less than our best. We loose our cool and yell at our kids. We take the easy route and swing by the drive through and grab a few burgers for lunch, or supper. We've all been so exhausted we don't quite know which way is up and poured orange juice in our coffee. (Been there, done that. Don't try it, the flavor combo really doesn't work..... It will however, wake you up. At least for a moment.) Sometimes we'll even have whole weeks of "those days". But that doesn't mean we're not good moms.
So don't give up, Mama. Chances are, you're doing just fine, because who's opinion really matters when it comes to whether or not we're good moms? Is it the other moms? Or is it our kids? When it comes right down to it, how our kids feel about us is what really counts, and they're really not that hard to please. After all, my house is a mess, and I don't mean a little. We're talking full blown disaster. But I have been declared the "best mom ever" no less than five times today. Why? Because I stopped what I was doing and read a book and took time to snuggle. I served hotdogs for lunch. We baked cookies together. I let the little one taste my coffee.
Are you seeing the pattern I did? We tend to judge ourselves, and each other by superficial standards that have almost no bearing on the reality of whether or not we're actually doing a good job. When it comes right down to it, as long as you're doing your best to make choices that will be best for your children, living in the moment, and working to make progress the goal instead of aiming for perfection (now there's a recipe for failure!), you're gonna do just fine!
The other day I found out a friend, who is a brand new mama, is struggling with fears and doubts about her ability to be a good mother to her new baby girl. She's struggling with feeling like a failure. I found myself carrying on a dialog in my head of what I would tell her should I have the opportunity. I found myself thinking about what it really means to be a good mom, and it turns out, it looks a lot different than we tend to think.
So what does a good mom look like? Is she the mom who always has her kids dressed in clean, cute, perfectly coordinated outfits? Or maybe she's the mom who never lets her kids eat junk food, and instead feeds them a strictly organic diet of fresh, home made, never processed food? Surely she's the mom who is, herself, always perfectly dressed, not a hair out of place, make-up on, full of energy, and never cross with her kids, right?
Or maybe, just maybe, she isn't any of those moms. Maybe she's the mom who has coffee stains and peanut butter smears across her wrinkled, second day top. Maybe she's the mom with three kids in tow, none of who's outfits match, because the three year old HAD to dress herself, the toddler spilled his juice on the cute, matched-his-pants shirt he was wearing just minutes before they rushed out the door, and the baby isn't wearing socks because they somehow vanished in the car on the way to the store.
Don't get me wrong here. There's nothing wrong with wishing to be more like the first set of moms than the second. But none of that is what determines the good or bad of how we're doing as mamas.
You see, being a good mom has little to nothing to do with the way we appear on the outside. It has far more to do with our hearts. What no one can see from the outside. Being a great mom is about putting your kids' needs above your wants. Being a great mom is about spending time fully engaged with your little ones. Being a great mom is about loving, even when you're tired, even when they're on your last nerve. Sure, we all make mistakes, we're human, but mistakes aren't what makes anyone a "bad mom". Mistakes only make us human, especially if we learn from them, move on, and don't let the mistakes we make determine our worth as mothers. We all have days when we're far less than our best. We loose our cool and yell at our kids. We take the easy route and swing by the drive through and grab a few burgers for lunch, or supper. We've all been so exhausted we don't quite know which way is up and poured orange juice in our coffee. (Been there, done that. Don't try it, the flavor combo really doesn't work..... It will however, wake you up. At least for a moment.) Sometimes we'll even have whole weeks of "those days". But that doesn't mean we're not good moms.
So don't give up, Mama. Chances are, you're doing just fine, because who's opinion really matters when it comes to whether or not we're good moms? Is it the other moms? Or is it our kids? When it comes right down to it, how our kids feel about us is what really counts, and they're really not that hard to please. After all, my house is a mess, and I don't mean a little. We're talking full blown disaster. But I have been declared the "best mom ever" no less than five times today. Why? Because I stopped what I was doing and read a book and took time to snuggle. I served hotdogs for lunch. We baked cookies together. I let the little one taste my coffee.
Are you seeing the pattern I did? We tend to judge ourselves, and each other by superficial standards that have almost no bearing on the reality of whether or not we're actually doing a good job. When it comes right down to it, as long as you're doing your best to make choices that will be best for your children, living in the moment, and working to make progress the goal instead of aiming for perfection (now there's a recipe for failure!), you're gonna do just fine!
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